Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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