I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
