I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
