I feel great
I just peed on a car
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
