I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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