you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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