he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
