You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
