Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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