Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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