I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
