I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
