I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
