and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
someone owes me an orgasm
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
