Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
