she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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