Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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