we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
did i walk over a car last night?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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