awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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