Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
NoShamevember. You game?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
