I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My bed smells like the plague
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