I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
