Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
