I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
is it fun? or sober?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
