How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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