Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
