Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
