Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
