Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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