She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
