when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
