I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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