You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
