have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
