He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
