If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
