why didn't you poke me back
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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