awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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