Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
