I just pynch a tree in the face
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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