Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
