We won't sleep together?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
