Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
