so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
