He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
