For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
