I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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