I am in a vortex of obligation.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
