I am in a vortex of obligation.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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