how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
