That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
