I'm lost and stupid without you.
my phone needs a breathalizer
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
ttyl tear gas
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
