My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
