I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
