Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
