I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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