Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
