The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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